Do not date men who constantly talk about their ex-girlfriends.
Don’t constantly talk about your ex-boyfriend.
If you’re still thinking that much about your ex-boyfriend, you shouldn’t be dating anyone anyway.
Go ahead and buy that dress you can’t afford. It looks great on you.
Fuck anyone you want to fuck.
If you don’t want to fuck someone, DO NOT FUCK THEM.
Don’t work too much. I know you like having money, but your dog is much more important to you, and he misses you when you’re at work.
If everybody likes you and you aren’t offending anyone, you’re doing something wrong.
Be nice to your body. But still eat strawberry shortcake sometimes, because you love it.
Learn another language.
Don’t go out just because it’s Friday night, or because all of your friends want you to. Don’t go out if you don’t want to. Who cares if they call you anti-social. Maybe you are. And that’s ok. Stay in and read a book instead.
Don’t EVER drive drunk. Pay $50 for a cab, even if it’s the last $50 in your bank account.
The men who talk about how big their dicks are do not have big dicks. They’re usually pretty lousy in bed too. Also, anyone who says theirs is small probably isn’t lying. The ones with the real big dicks never talk about their dicks at all.
Same goes for brains. The smart ones never have to tell you how smart they are. And those are the ones you want.
Never pretend to like something you don’t just to impress someone else. Actually, never do anything just to impress someone else.
When somebody tells you to shut up, don’t.
Believing in science and reason does not make you a cynic.
Don’t change your sense of humor because some people are too dense to get your jokes.
Sometimes the men who are the best in bed have the worst personalities.
Call your parents at least once a week. They miss you.
Don’t believe everything you read on the internet. In fact, don’t believe most of it.
Don’t get a boob job. The type of man you want to end up with probably prefers small tits anyway.
Be selfish sometimes; but not always.
For the price of a ticket to Coachella, you could get three new tattoos. Just sayin’.
Don’t apologize for anything you aren’t sorry for. Don’t be sorry for anything you shouldn’t be sorry for. Also, never, ever say “sorry not sorry”, and stay far away from anybody who does.
Buy yourself flowers sometimes. They’ll mean much more than when someone else gets them for you. And yes, someone will get you flowers someday.
Never let a man sleep in your bed who doesn’t like dogs.
Never let a man sleep in your bed who your dog doesn’t like.
Never say “nice to meet you” unless it really is nice to meet that person.
Tell the truth, even if it gets you in trouble.
Learn how to wink. It’s sexy.
Don’t do yoga. You hate it. It’s ok. There are other ways to be healthy.
Don’t take pictures of your food. No one cares what you eat.
I know you read a lot. Read more.
Take your birth control religiously.
Quit plucking your eyebrows.
Invest in a good mattress.
Drink cranberry juice even though you think it’s gross. UTIs suck.
Only call in sick to work when you’re actually sick.
Real frowns are always better than fake smiles.